Two years ago today, I experienced the first moments on the journey of recovering from open heart surgery. Two years later, I'm still on that journey; one that has taught me more about myself and life than I ever knew, or realized I knew, in the 43 years before it.
After a couple of years of doctors analyzing my symptoms, which included extreme fatigue, severe lack of energy, steady weight gain, increasingly high blood pressure, excruciating arm pain, and heaviness in my chest, a heart cath finally revealed the cause of my symptoms - a Myocardial Bridge on my heart.
Upon the discovery, the cardiologist asked me for a follow up appointment with him that week at his office. I went to the appointment alone, as I truly believed medication to thin my blood would be the treatment of choice; however, I can still vividly remember the long silence in the room when the doctor recommended open heart surgery, wishing at that moment that I had let my husband come with me like he had insisted that morning. After several minutes, the doctor added that the medication was only a temporary solution with no guarantee that my condition wouldn't worsen over time and that the surgery would help ensure a longer life. Wow...a longer life...
Without any more hesitation, I agreed to the surgery and the ball began rolling in the preparation of giving me a longer life...the journey would soon begin, along with several lessons I thought I already knew.
Lesson #1. Someday I would die, but I had always imagined it would be at the age of 96 like my grandfather. Don't get me wrong, I knew I wasn't in great health, but I assumed it was normal with each passing year to feel worse than the one before. I found out that I was wrong, so very, very wrong. The way that I feel physically today versus two years ago is unbelievable! I'm so thankful that I recognized the symptoms and even more thankful for my cardiologist!
Lesson # 2. I only thought I believed in God and the power of prayer, until the morning of my surgery when I prayed like I had never prayed before, even though I knew I was full of worldly flaws, past failures and mistakes, and unworthy of the steady hand of the surgeon and the strength of my body that I was praying for. Nevertheless, I prayed as I had never prayed before in that moment and I believe that God was with me and I truly owe the fact that I'm here today to Him and only Him.
Lesson #3. I have the most amazing husband, children, mom, sister, family, and friends!! From the initial sign of symptoms, to the outcome of my surgery and beyond, they have been there through it all. They've kept me hopeful, provided prayers, made me laugh, held me when I cried, pushed me in my recovery, and been the support system that I never imagined I deserved. I say it often that I'm so very blessed, but it's because they continue showing me that I am every day.
Lesson #4. I'm stronger than I thought I was! This came as the biggest revelation for me, as I've never been athletically inclined (even aerobics would wear me out) and I've always been the person getting hurt in the most ridiculously insanely forever crippling ways. Then I woke up after surgery, with the strongest will to live, looking at the loved ones all around me and this amazing strength inside of me surfaced. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," used to only be a saying I repeated when times were hard, but now they possess more meaning than I ever believed possible. Trust me, the pain of recovery was, and sometimes still is, excruciating to say the least, but every day since the surgery, I've woken with more inner and physical strength than the day before. My heart and my calendar have never been more full!
Lesson #5. My life has a purpose. All lives have a purpose! I'm pretty sure God wouldn't still have me here on earth, after all that I've been through, if there wasn't a purpose for it. I may never know the true purpose, but I have to believe the purpose is there. I've chosen now to do things with intention, with a goal to speak with more meaning, smile more often, be more pleasant to others, and add laughter to every day. I will most likely never run a marathon, but I can leave it on my "bucket list" just the same! I might never impact others positively like I hope to, but I can still give it my best effort! I might not leave behind the legacy of 1,000's of strangers being inspired by my journey, but I can continue to be inspired by others life journey's every day! If only I had learned this one sooner, there's no telling what amazing things I might've accomplished along the way! Of course, without a doubt, I've still accomplished some pretty amazing things in my life!!!
So, I firmly believe that I'm where I am today, because of these lessons and hopefully, now I can surpass the 96 year longevity goal that my grandfather set for me. One thing is for sure, though...along the way there, I'm going to give it every thing I've got!!!
As this month marks the 28th year of my father's passing, I wanted to share a poem I wrote many, many years ago after waking from a vivid dream in which I had received a visit from him. I haven't received a visit like this in a very long time, so hopefully sharing this tonight will ignite something in my "dream bank" and I'll get a long overdue visit from him.
The other night he was in my dream and his face was very clear,
And although I couldn't touch him, I felt him very near.
I heard him talk and heard him laugh, gentle and carefree,
He threw his head back, clapped his hands, and then he winked at me.
The words he spoke seemed jumbled, I strained to understand,
Then he took me by surprise, this kind and funny man.
He opened up his hand to me, calloused, big, and strong,
Although I tried, I couldn't reach, I'm not sure what was wrong.
He lowered his hand, then slightly turned and quickly looked away,
But before he did, I saw the tear that slid down his rugged face.
I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I felt helpless and alone,
He took a few steps, turned back and waved, I knew he was going home.
I stood there with my heart pounding, I couldn't even say good-bye,
I couldn't tell him how much he was missed, I only watched him cry.
"I'll be going," I heard him whisper, "don't forget me when you wake.
I'll be with you whenever you need me, I'm never very far away."
I felt my knees start to weaken and a huge lump in my throat,
There were so many things I wanted to say, things I wanted him to know.
His eyes were so filled with emotion, yet all his pain seemed miles away,
"I love you," he said, "be good, God bless." Then he started to fade.
As I woke up I was trembling, I could still hear the words he had said,
I'd longed for this, since the day he had passed, this very special visit from Dad.
I love and miss you, Dad! :)
Lesson #4. I'm stronger than I thought I was! This came as the biggest revelation for me, as I've never been athletically inclined (even aerobics would wear me out) and I've always been the person getting hurt in the most ridiculously insanely forever crippling ways. Then I woke up after surgery, with the strongest will to live, looking at the loved ones all around me and this amazing strength inside of me surfaced. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," used to only be a saying I repeated when times were hard, but now they possess more meaning than I ever believed possible. Trust me, the pain of recovery was, and sometimes still is, excruciating to say the least, but every day since the surgery, I've woken with more inner and physical strength than the day before. My heart and my calendar have never been more full!
Lesson #5. My life has a purpose. All lives have a purpose! I'm pretty sure God wouldn't still have me here on earth, after all that I've been through, if there wasn't a purpose for it. I may never know the true purpose, but I have to believe the purpose is there. I've chosen now to do things with intention, with a goal to speak with more meaning, smile more often, be more pleasant to others, and add laughter to every day. I will most likely never run a marathon, but I can leave it on my "bucket list" just the same! I might never impact others positively like I hope to, but I can still give it my best effort! I might not leave behind the legacy of 1,000's of strangers being inspired by my journey, but I can continue to be inspired by others life journey's every day! If only I had learned this one sooner, there's no telling what amazing things I might've accomplished along the way! Of course, without a doubt, I've still accomplished some pretty amazing things in my life!!!
